Exposition of Character 🌱

I saw potential in you. I saw in you what you have yet to see in yourself. I told myself I would give you everything my spirit had to offer, expecting to receive nothing in return but your honesty,transparency,and 100% effort to grow and transform your life. I mean really see a change. Find peace in those areas you need peace, mourn the loses in your life you never knew existed,live in the now. I just wanted to support you. I’m not a dummy, far from it –meaning the moments you lied to me I knew where you were with yourself and still viewed you no different. Usually when you come in contact with a woman she needs something from you that helps her fill a void. I didn’t need that. I didn’t need you to breathe, I create enough of my own oxygen to inhale and exhale as I choose. I wanted to teach you to live in the now, Endure the right here. I wanted to help find your own joy, by allowing you to be in the presence of mine. You rejected it. You had much to gain in having me,I had nothing to let go of in losing you.

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My Secret Addictions

Sex,drugs, and deception lead me down a road to destroy my life; here’s how I caught it before it was too late.

    I spent so many years of my life trying to fit in and in the process I lost myself. I’ve started the process of finding her again. Turns out in order to do that you have to take ownership of the actions you allowed your insecurities to influence. Growing up I would always do things to get attention. My three internal battles were drugs, sex and Lying. I was 7 the first time I did drugs; One day after school I went home cracked open my moms bottle of  Hydrocodone and popped one.  I wound up passed out on the floor for the next 8 hours, only to be awakened by my Mom’s Grammy award-winning act of her seeming as though she cared about me being passed out on the floor of our living room, at the time I could care less if she cared or not –she was showing me some type of attention and that’s all that mattered to me. What was supposed to be a one time thing turned into a life long battle of drug addiction and abuse. My initial motive behind taking the coated capsules was to be greeted by Ericka upon her arrival home, common sense neglected to tell me that was not the case at all. Popping Hydro’s every single day just turned into me taking anything that would give me any form of high; When I couldn’t find and prescription stimulant I substituted with everyday over the counter pharmaceuticals –Benadryl, NyQuil, Advil PM, etc. By the age of 18 I was skipping school to smoke blunts laced with Percocet. I never did any hard drugs until the age of 21. I once tried a line of coke, nothing happened and I genuinely believed God was giving me a second chance. Cocaine was the worst it got and I never did it after my first experimentation with it. I still continued to smoke weed, and narcotics when I could get my hands on them; for a long time I dreaded being sober. I eventually just quit on my own once I realized drugs did nothing but slow down the process of having to heal anyway. 

   I was 15 years old turning 16 in 10 days the first time I ever had consensual sex. My first sexual experience was my Mom’s best friend’s daughter, after that plenty of people had their turn with me, as I got older the touching and feeling turned into full-blown penetration. Grown men were teaching me as a child to please them properly before I even hit double digits. I was never taught that I could say no to guys that wanted sexual favors from me, the times I did say no they took it anyways, so I just stopped saying no and did as they asked. Overtime I became sexually active to the extent I was having sex every single day.  I even remember one time in high school I stole my mom’s car and found myself with my face pressed into her right door of her Tauras by the second guy that night. I could explain that situation if I wanted to but I’m not going to. The situation took a turn for the worst, but if I would have just known my worth, I would not have been there in the first place. Sex was something I struggled with up until about a month ago. It always lead me into situation I did not want to be in, yet I still never learned my lesson and let temptation get the best of me. If it wasn’t for the guy I recently encountered and my urge for a genuine connection with people , I would have probably never slowed down. I wanted to be able to engage on more than just a physical level, with any man. I would never want him to encounter any of evil souls I’ve danced with. So I’m learning to take a different approach on the way I choose to interact with real men.

Last but not least lying. I don’t even know how to go about explaining this so I’ll go about this the best way possible. My mom was crazy we use to get beat for anything, when I say anything I mean anything. It got to the point I lied to her about anything that would adjust to situation in my favor. Whatever kept her from getting angry to the extent she wanted to beat me, I was lying about it –even if it didn’t make sense. Hell half the time I didn’t understand what I was lying to her about I just knew it was keep her from busting me in my mouth; how I saw it I was doing what I needed in order to make it another day without having a busted lip. I just didn’t know it would become my safe haven to making sure any and everyone I interacted with did not become angry or upset with me. I stopped knowing what the truth was and for years I lived a life confused because some stuff was true but I just felt as though I could never really be honest and tell the truth. It wasn’t until I met My Cali-Mother that I learned that it was okay to tell the truth, even if it did hurt someone. It was better to be honest than tell a lie. In the process of me falling in love with Cali-Mother I learned, I could lose her over something that could be changed. It was not easy but slowly but surely I began to tell the truth and now it’s hard for me not to. In fact I don’t lie at all anymore and I don’t care how any one feels about my truth.  Being able to be authentic under any circumstances despite how another individual may feel is very liberating and is a very vital key to freedom, peace, and joy.

      I once heard  the way people perceive individuals is rooted from the way they feel about themselves in other words if you hate yourself for doing it, you will hate and judge others who do it too.  The more characteristics you dislike within yourself will determine how much “blemish” you will see on others. Society was programmed to believe that being flawless is the way you are fully accepted into the world and because we believe that we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves to act as if our lives are perfect. We pretend that we do not suffer with secret addictions that started so young, resulting in those addictions having so much control over our lives.  These addictions lead us down paths of negative decision, after negative decision and before we know it we are living a life of compete self-destruction. We allow people with negative energy into our lives and because of lack of self-confidence we guiltily indulge in reckless behavior. When you don’t discipline yourself, you can’t take the proper steps to growing.  You are accepting discomfort as your friend. 

     We must learn the deep effects of trauma and how deeply they actually affect us. We must also teach it to others so that they may have the proper guidance in terms of healing.  Keep in mind that owning your truth may mean standing alone; If you are coming from a place of faith standing alone won’t be an issue for you. Never go against the only person that you will always have and that is yourself. That may mean a long life of being by your lonesome. Solitude is not a bad thing in fact I now find more joy in spending time with myself than sharing space with someone who has no ambition to improve their character. We have to be cautious of the company we keep, for their energy is contagious. You must also beware of the fact that their influence turns into your conscious decision to act in such a negative manner. When you choose better people, you choose a better mindset and when you choose a better mindset, you choose a better future. You always get the say so in life. Choose wisely.

I didn’t know how selfish I was until I let go.🌱

As you guys know my birth mother is not in my life and I refer to the woman who nurtured me while I was in California as my mother. Her words of wisdom have not been as soothing to me lately in fact her words have made me uncomfortable with myself, I felt as though she was fussing at me. In all honesty she would express where she felt I was and I would tell her if I agreed or not. In some ways she was right in other ways, I knew where I was ,but too afraid to accept the truth in her evaluation. The conversation eventually turned into her expressing that I’m still trying to find validation from someone. So I was honest and told her it was her.

 I couldn’t accept the truth in what she was sharing because I would have to accept my fault. The truth was I finally realized when someone loves you they love despite your wrong doing, they have chosen to genuinely love you and I just could not face the truth in what I had done. I could have possibly caused her some type of pain. When I first arrived back to Minnesota everything finally came out, in being honest with her about who I was I exposed the lies dishonesty, and horrid secrets I had never shared with anyone.  I really could not figure out what it was, I just knew everything in my head would not stop spinning. Was this really who I was?, had I caused so much havoc in so many peoples lives by choosing to make bad decisions? When everything finally came out I thought that she would finally draw the line and stop talking to me instead she continued to support me and love me. She did pull back a little and told me “If I really loved her like I say I did I would go and make the life for myself that I deserve.” Reading it made me physically sick to my stomach. When I shared with her that it was her I seeked validation from, she sent me a long message I had to read in increments because of how hard the truth was hitting me in that moment. It wasn’t mean but it made me realize how much dysfunction I actually brought into her life. I responded a few days later and told her that I had to take a step back from her and figure my life out. I realized that as long as I had access to her I would still be dependent on her and feeling like I needed someone. I was so attached to her, I didn’t realize it until I finally came to terms with my truth and finally put my self in her shoes. I felt it was becoming unhealthy for me and in me letting go I learned how much I depended on her. I feel kind of lost.  Things feel incomplete, but instead of finding someone else to attach to I decided to use God this time to trust and Love God and ask him to guide me to wherever this experience will lead me. . I love her so much. I just don’t feel like I should take anymore of her time. I feel as though she has instilled me with everything I need in order to go be great,so that’s what I’m going to do. I had to let go and now I full understand why. I understand the reason I cannot do it with her in my life every step of the way is because, I tarnished her trust long ago. I lost her trust the moment I opened my mouth and chose to lie to her. Her character and what she believes has already been stretched to it’s capacity -atleast when it comes to me I believe. So we shall see if living the rest of my life in truth shall bring me the freedom I always thought she had hidden in her back for me.  Who knows, maybe the next time we see each other in person she will be meeting a totally different person. I sure hope so. I’m ready for things to be different in my life and I know it won’t happen unless I put the work in. 

I can see God working in my life, I can see him positioning me, preparing me, and guiding me. I just pictured this part of my life differently. Growth is painful and if you still choose not to rely on  God every step of the way, it can be lonely as well.   I don’t have an issue with solitude at all, but as I said before my idea of my journey is not even close to his image for my life. So I’m accepting whatever it is he is doing. I really don’t have a fear of losing anyone else in my life like that. So I shall see how things flow here in out. 

Memory Will Protect Your Heart

Revolutionary Paideia

Sad Black Woman (Photo Credit: Ex-Superwoman)

Psychology teaches us to judge people by their previous actions. While one should forgive people, and forgive them immediately, don’t forget their track record. Even when you’ve just met a person, evaluate his or her words and assess his or her fidelity to those words. Unless you have some type of mental condition adversely affecting your memory, it offers great power to protect you from heartbreak. Listen carefully to what people say and closely observe whether they deliver on what they communicate.

One of the central reasons why an individual must engage in close analysis of what others communicate and their corresponding actions is selfishness often enters the equation. People’s selfishness can have devastating effects. Although you cannot guard yourself against all acts of others’ selfishness, valuing the power of memory permits you to diminish opportunities for falling prey to such selfishness.

It’s okay to trust people—just…

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No Really; It’s not You, It’s Him

One minute things are great, the next he seems a little distant here’s why.

      Ladies, 

 Have you ever met a guy that made you feel like he was “the one”. He Said all the right things, treated you as the queen you are and with no warning the flipped the script. The first inference you want to make is he just wanted the goodies, but what if that was not the case. What if there were more to the situation that he was letting on. Majority of the time as women we find ourselves questioning what we could have done to push him away. I’m going to share a little insight with you guys. Are you ladies ready?

 

You met this guy; not sexy,not ugly, but he carried himself well. In fact he carried himself very well, to the point where he appeared more attractive to you than he actually was. You guys began talking and of course the chemistry and connection was there. He texted back in a timely matter , held great conversation. You guys spent time together and everything flowed well; the perfect gentleman.  Your hopes high, because the vibe was just right .He was a gentleman, respected you, you thought you caught yourself a good one, and then that thing happens. -No not sex, worse. The rapid text responses slow down and something just is not right. He stop calling as much as he use to. He still likes you but you can feel it, something is off, so sits in the sense of uncertainty. He lost interest?, You were boring?, He found another conquest?.  None of the above. You contacted him; No reply, and now all of a sudden he is “busy”. -Where was that occupied time when he was selling those dreams though? Had you thinking you that he was it, You finally found the one and in an instant he completely changed his mind. Now you are feeling some type of way, about ready to catch a case for him wasting time neither one of you ever had to begin with. Somewhere down the line you wind up in contact again and for whatever reason he feels the need to explain some crappy justification on why he had been distant; you listen but at this point everything he say raises a red flag.  You take his word, but still something is just not sittingright. You knew what you wanted and thought he did too, but everything is different. Now you’re a tad irritable because you’ve let him in sexually and/or emotionally and now he’s unsure of what he wants. WHY WASTE YOUR TIME TO BEGIN WITH!?!?!? He went from a complete stranger to someone with potential… to He could be the one.. To… “What the hell happened?”. If you’re smart and strong you ended it and took it for what it was; if not you allowed your mind to spend with multiple possible scenarios on what could have gone wrong. So what Happened?

 

You were and  always will be attractive to him. His intentions on pursuing you were definitely to one day put a ring on it, he never wanted to hurt you. He wanted you to be the one. -seriously. You’re amazing, mature, and you carry yourself very well; if anything he’s questioned why you would want anything to do with his ugly self. He never meant to sell you a dream. He always meant for you to be the one, but something happened, that “what if” feeling. Ladies, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!! Guys take longer to honor those permanent feelings. They speak off how they feel in that moment when in reality, they need time. It’s not an excuse to get out of ever meeting you. That’s how we find ourselves in what was once a relationship, a situationship. They feel the pressure of not knowing if they can live up to the dreams they promised you.

Ladies: THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THIS FEELING INDECISIVENESS. Don’t blame yourself for his flaws. You were the whole package he just was not ready. Love is a decision, not just an emotion. Most guys guys have been taught that love is just an emotion, that everything has to “feel” a certain way. True but also dangerous. LOVE IS A DECISION!! He has to decide he is ready to love you the the way you deserve. He has to face those insecurities. As long as he depends on the emotions by himself he will continue to go from hot to cold. The best thing for you to do would be to have a talk with him and discuss this with your man. It won’t be easy and he may even try to deflect from the conversation but it’s definitely one worth having. Most of all ladies, Always be willing to withdraw from those who don’t demonstrate a true valuing of you.

Self 🌱

You would think with me being raised in the hood of just about every state I would have some type of knowledge on how much fear I should’ve had walking the streets. You would think I knew that not one soul could be trusted and that I should have watch my back with every turn. I never stop to think that the angels that God provided  to protect me actually came through and showed me just how much he had me covered. I roamed the streets with some of the most wicked people and never thought once about the fact that I could have lost my life due to association. Riding in the car with only God knows who while they were moving God knows what and still I breathe. I was taught that once you know better you do better and that’s what I plan to do. Im not scared of my future and the success that I will come to know but I am afraid of the just how much more pain I will have to endure before I get there. A lot of people think inflicted self sabotage pain is an unspeakable pain that should always be hidden but I know something much deeper. The pain that comes with the acceptance of true love and being forgiven. It seems as though lately I don’t have much to talk about but the power of God and how if it were not for him I would not be where I am today. I may not have all the riches I may not have much to my name but I have something that is not of specific currency. I have my faith. I have belief that God will do great things for me but only because I yearn to know more. Can you imagine being in a position where you didn’t even understand the fact that your life should be no more. People have over expressed the strength I have and had throughout my years of living and I could never see what they saw. I could never see that love was more than just a word with a definition and if you type it into Google you could look up the meaning. I didn’t know that hate comes from those who don’t yet understand themselves. I never knew that I myself allowed my body to be objectified and disrespected because I had no idea what disrespect was myself. I didn’t know that if I took the time to patiently learn myself I would one day genuinely love myself. The list could go on I could continue to not know the extent of all the harm I was s causing myself that was slowly leading to death but now that I know I will do better. Now that I know, I would like to know more. Now that I know I choose to expect nothing but the best in myself because for the longest time I never thought such a thing was possible. I had people tell me that I was a home , I was a fraud and that the many stories of my life were a lie but still I stand in my shoes and tell my story in hopes to one day save another’s life. That is my purpose that is my mission to save any and everyone I can not from the world but from them selves I love me more now than I ever have and will continue to love God more than I ever will. I will not be subjectified to the circumstances I was born into ever again. I am me because of the fact that my story is my own and no one else’s. I am me because I would rather allow everything I use to be shape me into what I am suppose to be and I will never allow myself to be in s place where I never believe in myself again. IM GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD ONE DAY BY FIRST SAVING MYSELF AND I could never have gotten here without God. I thank him. I honor him and I always will. Stay true to yourself first or no one else ever will.